Acerbic Astrologer

This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. (Autumn comes sooner north of the 49th parallel.) A local newspaper published the following horoscope for Aries:

When you wake up this morning, you may feel a bit odd, like you could have your head chopped off any moment. You turkey.

Another one reads:

Sitting inside the pumpkin, munching on seeds and mush, you wonder why you ever called the sorcerer a dork. Maybe you’ll be pie soon.

The astrologer must have been traumatized by The Great Pumpkin as a child.


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. CyberKitten
    Oct 09, 2005 @ 10:40:00

    Or was definitely ‘on’ something… Do they usually write such surreal comments? Maybe it’s the time of year…?

    Happy Thanksgiving BTW.

    I used to read my horoscope – not every day you understand… but often enough… I used to be surprised how accurate it was… from time to time… I even bought one of those ‘Your Year Ahead’ books… once… Hey, I was stupid & in love that’s my excuse anyway (grin).

    Then I had a REALLY – and I truely mean REALLY – bad time with my then girlfriend (who is now my ex) and what did the book say…. that I was due a “very happy & special day” that day… I read this out to her.. smiled, and ripped the book in half & threw it in the trash in front of her…

    The other people in the room at the time where shocked (not having heard our conversation nor knowing about the circumstances) knowing how much I love books…..

    Horoscopes…? Don’t get me started…. (rotflmao)


  2. Q
    Oct 09, 2005 @ 13:28:00

    When I was young, I never “got” horoscopes; they just left me bemused.

    But some horoscope-writers are now beginning to employ a sense of humour in their columns. I’m sure that was the intent here; the newspaper is written with a youth audience in mind. The Aries horoscope is my daughter’s and she shared it with me because she thinks it is funny. (So do I.)

    Mary P. and I admire Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology — note the column’s oxymoronic title — which offers a lot of informative but New-Agey encouragement. Here’s his horoscope for Taurus from last week:

    I predict that in 2013, the United Nations will designate a 52,000-square-mile area in Canada’s far north to be the world’s dumping ground. By then global warming will have melted much of the ice that currently makes it problematical to access that area by sea, allowing a steady stream of ships to deliver loads of garbage from every country on the planet. I’m not saying this is a good thing; I’m just reporting the facts as I foresee them. But I’d also like to propose that you use this idea as a metaphor in dealing with your own psychic waste. What if you had a certain place and a regular time where you could ritually dispose of it? Let’s say you’d go there every Saturday at 10 a.m. After a short meditation, you’d take out a piece of paper, scribble down everything that’s making you sick and crazy, then burn it or bury it or rip it to shreds. Try it.

    Do I take his horoscopes seriously? Certainly not! But you’ve got to admit it’s better than, you’re due for a very happy and special day.


  3. CyberKitten
    Oct 09, 2005 @ 15:33:00

    I once asked an Astrologer how it all works… Just what the mechanism is…

    “No idea” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “Anyone who says they know how it works is lying” she went on.

    At least she was honest… and spookily specific about a childhood incident…..

    I like the sound of Rob Brezsny’s take on things… at least you get a laugh out of it.. and maybe some good advice too…


  4. craziequeen
    Oct 09, 2005 @ 16:36:00

    q; I prefer my Chinese horoscope as it is eerily accurate – and not junked out in newspapers every day.

    ck; So if you don’t believe in horoscopes, where does that lovely astrology chart you made me fit into the equation? 🙂


  5. CyberKitten
    Oct 09, 2005 @ 17:05:00

    CQ: I was experimenting… Dabbling if you will…

    As to meeting the Astrologer… I do like my ‘off the wall’ courses – as you know…..


  6. Q
    Oct 09, 2005 @ 19:51:00

    You referred Cyberkitten to me, didn’t you? Thank you.

    As for Chinese astrology, I don’t know enough about it to offer an informed opinion.


  7. Mrs.Aginoth
    Oct 11, 2005 @ 05:23:00

    I did once get my full chart done (by a friend for free), and when I first read it I was surprised by how many times I nodded and said to myself how right it was.

    Then I re-read it a few times, and marked all the correct stuff – it worked out that it was approx 1/3 of the whole thing. That means 2/3 was wrong – but when reading about yourself you only remember the bits you like/agree with & gloss over the rest!

    Statistically you can get 1/3 right about anybody, by putting exactly the same thing down on every horoscope you write – then it’s all down to the perception of the reader.

    Q, I’ve never met you, but I can sence in the ether that you have someone close to you with the initial D, the numbers 3 & 1 mean something to you, you have a scar on your knee and as a child you were lost in the forest.

    How many did I get right?

    IMHO The best horoscopes tell you to do what you think is right. The worst encourage you do do the opposite. They all prey on our self-doubt, and should not be encouraged by mainstream media.


  8. Q
    Oct 11, 2005 @ 09:43:00

    Mrs. Aginoth:

    You were right about the letter “D”, but only if I take it as a reference to my Dad.

    I regard horoscopes the same way you do but, as I said to craziequeen, my opinion is not an informed one. Newspaper horoscopes are not the real thing, and I have no interest in having an astrologer do a real work-up on me.


  9. snaars
    Oct 11, 2005 @ 20:55:00

    Astrology. Harumph!


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